Hello everyone!
How was everyone's days? I am currently typing this post out at 1 in the morning. Why? Because I'm supposed to be studying for an exam that's tomorrow, but instead decided to nap for three freaking hours and then procrastinate some more by watching a Korean reality show (Happy Together, for those interested).
Gah. At this rate, it will be like Fall and Winter Quarter all over again. Screwed up sleep schedule, rapidly descending grades (not that they were all that stellar to begin with). And the thing is, I'm going to keep procrastinating. It's been a thing lately. I even missed two classes today because even though I woke up on time for them, I was too tired to go to the first one, and the second one I missed because I didn't feel like going.
I thought I was over feeling this empty. What is wrong with me? I don't even know. I'm just numb, wanting to be done with this world. And the chilling thing is, when I napped, I had the most heart-stopping dream. I don't remember much of it, but somehow, in the dream, I was feeling so done with the world and angry and frustrated and I just - I took my beautiful knife (that I own in real life) and placed the blade against my arm, pressed down, and cut a huge X down the limb. The breath-taking relief was almost instantaneous. And then I just stood there, staring at the blood trickling down my arm, and then after some other vague thing happening I woke up, breathing erratically. I say "chilling" because cutting myself is something that I've so often considered doing, but I'm too afraid that it'll either hurt, or that I'll become so addicted to the relief that it may bring that I wouldn't even consider stopping. So.. yeah. Welcome to Ryuu's dark and depressing self-consciousness.
Back in Fall Quarter and the first half of Winter Quarter, my favourite way of releasing all my pent-up stress was to go outside, breathe in deeply, and punch the nearest wall to me. Over and over I would punch it, until I either couldn't take the pain anymore, or someone was coming nearby and I didn't want to be seen. I made the grave mistake of telling one of my closest friends, who then told her boyfriend, and being the wonderful, caring people that they are, demanded to see my arms to see if I were doing anything more dangerous to myself. Back then, I took that as a betrayal of my trust in her, but now I'm grateful, because I'm terrified that I could have descended into the cutting stage.
Nowadays, though, I just stuff the stress into a bag that strangely resembles the money bags that you see in cartoons, and when that gets full, I toss that bad into a thick, impenetrable vault, and start stuffing a new one. Over and over, I stuff bags. It's not very healthy for me to keep things in, I know. But right now, it's a whole lot better for my physical being than what I was doing in first quarter. What happens when my vault gets full as well, you ask? Well, I break down. I find a nice, isolate place (a very difficult thing to do in a small campus like this one) and then I just start crying, asking God why I'm this way; why am I living; what is the purpose for my life; why am I not motivated to do anything; why can't I feel the passion for anything like everyone around me is; why am I existing.
And.. yeah. I'm sorry about the heavy post today. Originally, I wasn't going to post anything, but then decided that I might as well rant about my feelings like I would in an actual diary. And yes, I feel a lot better now then I did when I started this post. I am now going to go watch another episode of Happy Together, and around 2 or 3AM, if I'm feeling up to it, I might study for the exam that I have in 8 hours.
As always, this has been Ryuu Yukimura, signing off.
Please stay sane, everyone. Don't be like me.
_________________________________________
Today's Song: Trouble Maker - Now
No comments:
Post a Comment