Good afternoon, my lovely ladies and gents..
How have you all been doing? I'm doing pretty well, if I do say so myself.. I've actually not fallen behind this past week - and last week! - at all... Hehe. I'm quite proud of myself.
I've also had much less stress than usual this past week, and I think that being caught up on everything is helping a lot. I've also had plenty of opportunities to sleep earlier! *cheers* Except yesternight. Yesternight was just.. bad..
Haha. I had finished homework early and everything, but decided that the smart thing to do was to stay up until 4 in the the morning surfing the web - and of course I slept through my first class.. Never pull an all-nighter if you don't have to, people.
I've also had an idea for trying to pay off my tuition (or at least a part of it) by myself. There have been several articles online about selling used books and making profit from it, and since I'm a very big bookworm, I thought, 'Hey! That sounds like a job for me.' And since all I need to do is package stuff and send it, without actually going off campus, this would give me more time to work on homework than if I had needed to go off campus.
But I'm still wiffle-waffling over the idea. What do you all think? Should I do it? Is it worth the time put into it?
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The last couple of days were thought-provoking to me. I had ample of time to observe my best friends on campus (that sounds creepy; I apologize), who are dating each other. They seem so happy and carefree and so enamored with one another that every time I saw them, which is often, a niggling thought would slink into my brain. 'Why can't I have a relationship like that?' 'What makes me so unable to completely break down my walls and commit to someone?' 'Why am I so afraid of the mere concept of dating?'
So.. yeah. I'm not a very big people person, nor am I an extrovert. My days consist of holing up in my room after I'm done with homework and browsing the interwebs for an idea of making income online or from home, because I can't bear the thought of interacting with humans. Yeah. That's how anti-social I am.
In reality, I do know why I can't handle relationships. My idea of an ideal boyfriend is not actually a boyfriend-girlfriend kind of thing, but more of a completely platonic relationship - like the kind between bestest of best friends - but with a little more touchy-feeliness. I can't do anything that involves emotional depth - like whether it's talking about my feelings, or talking to someone about God (I'm sorry, God), or crying in public because I'm so frustrated with myself, or even showing a little PDA when I did have a fling a couple months ago.
I don't know what caused me to build so many tall walls. Maybe it's the remnant of my moving around so much? Who knows. I find it impossible to even mention anything about any problems - academic or personal - that I may have to my best friends, and from my vast readings (of chicks flick and romance novels) - best friends are the ones someone goes to for advice, right?
*sigh* Oh well. Maybe I'll stay forever an old maid, with 51 cats romping around. Maybe letting go isn't something that I'm meant to do.
Thank you for being a shoulder to rant on, readers. Even if I publish this post and no one reads it, just the fact that I've unburdened myself helps. So, thank you.
As always, this has been Ryuu Yukimura, signing off.
Stay healthy, everyone!
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Today's Song: B.A.P - Badman
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